Real Me Monday

I don't know about you, but the near constant flow of picture perfect posts on my feeds every day begins to wear down on me and my positive vibes sometimes. I know that few people look as perfect going through their days as they do in the photos they post, but sometimes it's hard to feel it -- you know? I thought about this today as I was about to stand up extra straight, suck in my stomach and straighten out my shirt to create the momentary illusion of a smooth silhouette for today's Look of the Day selfie. I also thought about the fact that this skirt would probably give me a muffin top when I sit in class and that I'd be tugging my top down all day. I thought about how people's comments about how good I look on my Instagram feed kind of feel like when my now-husband would tell me that I "always look beautiful" right when we started dating and he'd never seen me looking anything but my best.  

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But You Look Fine

I don't always love my body. Sometimes I feel fat and use the word against myself as if it were the worst insult I could fling. Sometimes I beg my husband for reassurance that I'm beautiful, even though I know he always thinks I am. 

I know what you're thinking: "Didn't this girl just write a whole body positive piece?"

I can also guess at your next thought: "What? No! You're so beautiful!" or "Ugh. Nebach. You don't even know what it's like to be really fat."

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A Few Words About My Weight

I gained some weight when I got married. I haven't been "skinny" since the seventh grade, when I could consider a big bowl of ice cream a healthy after school snack without the scale's dissent. By the time I got married last year, I was a healthy 145 pounds. Over the course of the year, that weight went up. You've heard about the Freshman Fifteen? This was the Newlywed Nineteen. 

It was more, actually. We didn't even own a scale, so I was shocked when, at an annual doctors appointment, I suddenly weighed in at 162lb. At another routine exam a few months later: 177lb. What?! I knew I was carrying some extra weight, but I still looked pretty good and hadn't thought much of it. Even so, I didn't feel too great and I knew it was the extra poundage I was carrying around.

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I Am a Woman

I am loud. I am passionate, and I refuse to shut up about it. I am shy. I am afraid to raise my voice, to say the wrong thing. I hate confrontation.

I am a feminist: I believe in the radical notion that women are people. I believe In the even more radical notion that women are still not given the same opportunities and respect as men, yes, even in America, even in 2015. Are you a woman? Are you afraid of going out by yourself at night? Men aren’t. Are you judged in a job interview for whether or not you’re wearing makeup? Men aren’t. Unless they choose to wear makeup, then maybe they are and many feminists think that’s a problem too. I am girly. I am married. I plan to prioritize having a family over having a career. 

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